on the road in zippy's world:


near Pueblo, CO...


him: A gun market - do you need any guns?

me: Always. It's my God-given right.

him: Look! A sign without any holes in it!

me: SHOOT IT! HURRY! BEFORE IT MOVES!



in La Junta, CO…

him: the Kerry-Edwards train is here!

me: WOO HOO!

him: not to be confused with CHOO CHOO!

me: WOO HOO!

him: CHOO CHOO!

me: WOO HOO!

him: CHOO CHOO!

me: WOO HOO!

him: CHOO CHOO!

me: WOO HOO!

. . .



at the 'rents...

f-in-law: there was this guy on the tv the other day, talking about how he became a millionaire. he started out being a waiter - the first job he ever had, can you believe that? a waiter to a millionaire.

m-in-law: hey! you were waiter once. where's all your money? … oh, I know (mimes chugging bottle of booze) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA




smoke detector: FIRE! FIRE! WARNING! FIRE! FIRE! WARNING! FIRE! FIRE!

him: (to the rents in another room) don't worry. zippy's just cooking.




me: how old were you during the war?

m-in-law: which war? my whole life one war after another - China, Korea, World War Two. We tied bags of soy beans to our backs so we would always have food in case we were burned out of home and had to run quick. It was our protein and energy. I was so glad for end of war.




driving through Las Animas, CO…

me: mr. zippy thinks he's fat.

m-in-law: he was skinny boy. he no fat.

me: I know that, but he thinks he is.

m-in-law: daughter no eat much. we worry about her, she no eat so much.

me: maybe she's afraid of getting fat.

m-in-law: not healthy. need to eat.

me: maybe she's got other things on her mind.

m-in-law: look at her (points out car window). she fat.

me: I'm getting that way myself.

m-in-law: you don't think she fat?

me: yeah, she's fat alright.

m-in-law: just like granddaughter. she getting fat, too

me: (patting my own belly) I think we better stop before we get there.

m-in-law: that the truth.




heading into Trinidad, CO…

me: I told your dad we were going to get the sex change we've always wanted while we're here.

him: great! keep a look out for Sex Changes This Way sign.

me: you think there's really such a thing?
him: Yeah! It has one arrow pointing left for Males and another arrow pointing right for Females, and they're on the same sign. It's kind of difficult to understand. It's like a butterfly ballot.




near Raton Pass, NM…

me: what the h - e- double hockey sticks was that??

him: hail.




in Santa Fe restaurant…

me: So, you were a good Republican soldier all day?

cousin: Yeah, I guess I was. I lean a little more toward the right usually.

me: How's your shoulder feel?

cousin: Tired. My left hand's a little weak, too.



in a Santa Fe gallery...

me: what's the name of this piece?

him: "Boat."

me: . . .

him: What?

me: You say boat I say clitoris.




leaving Santa Fe…

him: they don't know how to build highways here.

me: no?

him: they're supposed to close two lanes of traffic for no apparent reason.

me: just like Atlanta.

him: exactly.




at s-in-law's home…

me: I can't believe your mother thinks your niece is fat.

him: she does?

me: she's just voluptuous.

him: she is?

me: you didn't notice?

him: guess not.

me: so, if I get Nigella's boobs, would I still have to lose weight?

him: will they make you cook like her, too?