Reading Revealing Rebecca S.... makes me think of my own humble place in this world.

Whatever happened to basic honesty?

Truth is too elusive. It wanders about, flitting in and out of absolutely everyone's lives, and yet recognizing Truth is as impossible as catching light. It's there. You know it's there. But how do you grasp it? How do you make it consistent?

Huggy got out of jail on Monday. He rang me up before he was released to tell me he was hitting the streets again. This time, he's been released to an out-patient drug diversion program and three years probation. I urged him again to get into a group home, an environment where he knows he does better (versus floundering on his own). He agreed and started to cry.

"Sometimes I think it would be easier if you didn't love me," he said.

"Don't think that hasn't crossed my mind before, but you're not any different than the rest of us and I'll keep on loving that part of you that is lovable and keep on hoping that the asshole in you goes away."

I then told him I could no longer help him financially, which made him cry even more. "You can call me any time, but don't ask me for anything. I don't have it to give any more."

He was supposed to call me the next night, but I am yet to hear from him.


Jimmy phoned after that, begging me not to hate him.

"I don't hate you, Jimmy."

"I just say stupid stupid things sometimes and I don't mean them. I'm so sorry I hurt you, and I want to apologize to mr. zippy if he'll let me."

"I don't know that he will, Jimmy."

And then he cried.

"Please don't hate me," he said again. "This shouldn't be happening to us - not to you and me, zippy, not to you and me."

How is it that we're all so broken?

I know how. I just wish I could heal it somehow, but know that I cannot.