Sunday, May 15, 2005

conversation in zippy's world...

NOTE: This conversation was preceded by a view of EXTREME MAKE OVER...


him: So, what we have to do is adopt some really incredibly cute kids.

me: Right.

him: And then you have to die.

me: Ok?

him: But before you die you have to send these people a letter.... 'All I want for my poor mr. zippy is a new house.'

me: Ok.

him: And a new car. Porsche would be nice. And a trust fund for our incredibly cute kids. And a lifetime annual allowance of one million dollars with which I can do anything I determine.

me: of course!

him: And a hot girl friend.

me: You got it, babe.

him: but she has to be smart, too.

me: Oooh. Hot AND smart? now you may be asking for too much. they may not go for that.

him: Even with my incredibly cute kids?

me: Well... the worst they can do is say no, right?

him: Exactly! So, a hot, smart girlfriend for my incredibly cute kids, a million dollars annual tax free income --

me: you didn't say tax free before.

him: I didn't?

me: no.

him: oh. well. ok, a million dollars income and a devious but brilliant cpa.

me: that ought to do it.

him: Or I could get two hot girl friends, both of average intelligence instead of, you know, smarter than me.

me: You want a woman smarter than you?

him: Yeah, why not?

me: Oh, honey.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

zippy's surreal morning. OR:

how to chase a man beating a girl to death in a car and not get killed yourself.



having dropped mr. zippy at the airport, en route home, suddenly, there before me on the two lane entrance ramp getting back onto the highway at 6:30 in the a.m. in a city of five million people, drivers all around were dodging an old Olds, 1970s model, as it jerked in and out of its own lane, on the shoulder, back in traffic. as I managed to pass, I realized the driver was BEATING his passenger, who was giving as good as she got, apparently.

then the driver sped up and slowed down, sped up, slowed down, weave, weave, weave, all along the interstate that THANK GOD was not yet fully loaded w/ folks en route to wherever their lives would have them.

it went on like this for a couple of miles so I did what I suspected everyone else had already done and rang 9-1-1 and reported it. sure enough, they were receiving calls already so I hung up.

THEN YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED???

he got off the highway!

HE GOT OFF THE HIGHWAY!

so I followed him, phone in hand.

me: I just rang re: the old Oldsmobile on the highway beating the passenger to death.

9-1-1: Ma'am?

me: he got off the highway! he's on ... oh, god, what is this street??


and that's the way it went, as I followed him through the streets of this ginormous city, w/ 9-1-1 in my ear the whole way.

9-1-1: Where are you now?

me: jesus, I don't know, but we're heading into downtown. the big electric DELTA sign is right above us!

(and then)

me: OH MY GOD I THINK HE'S GOING TO KILL HER!

he'd stopped at a red light and as I pulled up behind them (but not too close!) he was pummeling her - she had to have been lying down on the seat or on the floorboard as he was out of his seat belt and wailing with all his might into that space I could not see.

his car began rolling backward and I had no where to turn as there was a car now immediately behind me, unable to see what I could.

it was then that I recognized exactly where we were and it was then the 9-1-1 operator switched me to the operator for the zone we were now in.

he took off through the light before he hit me - WHEW! - and I followed, him swerving all the way, me keeping my distance but not too far back so as not to lose them.

AND THEN YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?????

SHE POPPED UP FROM THE BACK SEAT AND STARTED WAILING ON HIS NAPPY HEAD!!

9-1-1: Is he a black man or hispanic?

me: could be either I can't tell but she's nailing him good right now!

9-1-1: What is your name?

me: zippy. I'm in a silver Ford Ranger, it's a truck and I'm only about a car length behind him.

AND THEN YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED???


he ZOOMED right through a crowd of homeless persons on either side of the narrow street, folks jumping left, right and high to get out of his way.

9-1-1: We've got someone .... we've got...

he ZOOMED right past a cop that had just pulled to the side I THINK in anticipation. I flashed my lights, waved and pointed toward the Olds, and the cop sped down the street BACKWARDS after him.

9-1-1: Yep! We got him! One of our officers is on him now!

me: That's what I'm seeing!

9-1-1: Actually, it's an officer from a different zone.

me: But who cares.

9-1-1: Alright! We got him!

me: OH, THANK GOD!

9-1-1: we got him! Thank you for your help, ma'am.

me: Do I need to stop? Is there anything else you need of me? do I have to witness this?

9-1-1: No ma'am. just stay safe.

me: oh yeah. you betcha.




next stop: wonderland.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

conversation in zippy's world:


zippy (exiting ladies room): Oh -- hello.

PAULA VOGEL: (entering ladies room) HI! I'm Paula! (warmly extends her hand)

zippy: (warmly accepts her hand) Zippy! I'm so pleased to meet you!

PAULA VOGEL: Have we met before?

zippy: (with only a bit of humility. and a sly grin) It's Sigourney Weaver.

PAULA VOGEL: . . . HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

zippy: And we have a mutual acquaintance.

PAULA VOGEL: ???

zippy: Jeremy Cole in Denver, Colorado.

PAULA VOGEL: Oh! Jeremy! What a really fun guy!

zippy: I've always thought so.

PAULA VOGEL: how is he?

zippy: Very well. He didn't think you'd remember him but he sends his regards.

PAULA VOGEL: Give him mine the next time you speak.

zippy: you betcha!

PAULA VOGEL: See ya, Sigourney!

zippy: See ya Paula!

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN???

where have I been?

WHERE have I been?

where HAVE I been?

hmmm

WHAT IS THIS? SHIT??