"A catastrophic success."

-- George D(ubya) Bush to Matt Lauer when asked how he would characterize the war in Iraq (er, "liberation of the Iraqi people," if you're a Republican spin doctor).


Now, what I really want to know is, WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN???? It's the sort of saying I'd like to put on a t-shirt and send to my homeless brother -- "A Catastrophic Success" -- WHAT DOES IT MEAN????? My homeless brother would understand that it meant HIM - his entire failed life.

zippy: How's life, huggy?

huggy: "It's a catastrophe, but I'm still here!"

zippy: Are you sure you want to marry that girl, huggy?

huggy: "she may be a lesbian but I love her with all my heart."

zippy: what happened in court today, huggy?

huggy: "they put me in a drug diversion program for a year but I'm going to do two weeks in jail instead and be done with it."

A CATASTROPHIC SUCCESS! TA-DA!!!!!!!!!!

(everybody sing) ... roll me ooooo-over in the clo-oooooo-ver, roll me o-ver, lay me down, do it again!

Over the weekend I accomplished three things:

1. The BEST POTATO SOUP EVER!!

See, mr. zippy had crowns put on his teeth on Tuesday last. Thursday last I fed him ribs. OY!!! WHAT WAS I THINKING??? (bad wifey)

So, Friday I hit the market for fresh everything, brought it home and said to myself, "Self, you watched your mama make this a million times. there's nothing to it."

then I doubted myself and looked in the cook book and sure enough, there was nothing to it.

So I kicked it up a little, added two cups of heavy cream, about a cup of water, half a pound of bacon, two chili peppers, black pepper, about a cup of fresh chives and let it all simmer w/ the potatoes newly blended for about two hours. MY GOD THAT'S GOOD SOUP.

even better the next day. it helps that it's mr. z's favorite soup, but he'd never had it so good. PREEN!


2. Hacked my way through the tomato brush

Having cleaned the house on Saturday, everything looking sparkly and purdy, I took my lard ass into the great outdoors and, w/ my machete and blow gun, worked my way through the tomatoes along the drive. Wild, snarled things; no room for sun light to peek through the dense underbrush to the wee green 'maters below. BUT THERE IS NOW!

after three hours of that, I started in on the roses... but by then it was getting dark and I could not see so well. knowing how our neighbor across the street - who's front window faces our newly beautymous lawn and rose hedge - LOOOOOOOOVES our roses, I decided not to chop in the dark.

HACK! HACK! HACK!
(journalist duck)

QVACK! QVACK! QVACK!
(nordic duck)

IN THE MEANTIME..... BEFORE I MADE IT TO THE ROSES... gosh, I almost forgot to mention the best part... I found a plump caterpillar with taut green, spotted skin desparately still and clinging to a tomato vine. It was as big as my thumb, I swear - the biggest caterpillar I have ever seen, bar none. Neighbor Ralph of Ralph's O.R.G. (Old Retired Guy) Garden of Eden across the street, beside the neighbor looking right at my roses, Neighbor Ralph says "I used to see those on my tomatoes all the time when I was a kid... but I don't remember what they're called. That one's got a big spike on it's end - it might getcha!! hehehehehehehe"

That one went into the box of cuttings. I did not want to kill it, but I did not want to encounter it again.

AND THEN YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED????

I found ANOTHER ONE. Only this one was about half the size of the other and had WHITE PEARLS ATTACHED TO IT'S BACK!! They looked like little freshwater pearls, although I'm sure it was not making a fashion statement for the larvae world. I'm sure they were eggs just waiting to be incubated in some cozy tomato. Still, I named her 'June' and was openly sorry that I put 'Ward' in the box ... but I wasn't going to dig him out of it.

THEN wee, little, gorgeous Henry came home from tee-ball.

And a science project was born.

henry: COOL!!!!

henry's dad: thanks. zippy.

zippy: YOU BETCHA!!


3. Sunday, Jesus wept

And he's going to keep on weeping, thank you very much, especially if I keep paying the bills on that day.

It was such a nice day, though. I'd have felt downright reverent about it were it not for the t-shirt I wore that read: "The Bible Makes Me HORNY!"

"Thy navel is like a round goblet, which wanteth not liquor: thy belly is like an heap of wheat set about with lilies. Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins."

What's not to like about the Song of Solomon (7:2-3)?


Needless-to-say, I did not leave the house all day.

this is an example of what I hate about the Republican mindset...

I used to work for a VERY conservative newspaper in Colorado. One day, I wore to work a button up, long sleeved blouse that made righteous display of my shoulders - my shoulders, kids, not my boobs, not my belly button, not my clit, but my round, translucent skinned shoulders. It even had a collar. I also had on a long skirt and heels. I noticed that day a greater flow of traffic from the higher ups into my office space.

The very next day the company instilled a new dress code. Apparently, I had crossed a moral boundary and was made well aware of how close I came to being fired for being a slut on company time. I was shamed for my shoulders.

"Thanks a lot, zippy!" cried my female coworkers, all of whom received the brunt of this new policy. all were made to purchase new wardrobes or lose their jobs. none of the men, btw, were remotely moved to buy, oh, say, black socks to go with their black pants versus their white baseball socks they wore with everything.

there is a person mr. zippy works with at this same neo-conservative paper in Colorado (so conservative, they passed - I kid you not - they passed on the expose of the tobacco industry HAND DELIVERED TO THEM because the person doing the talking was a local and wanted her local paper to have first option, but they PASSED on it because said person was a known "crazy" liberal - "she belongs to the Sierra Club for crying out loud!" - who only turned around and gave the story to CBS and the rest is history).

This person whom he's had to go to said paper to help work for three weeks at a time because the man said over and over again that it wasn't his fault, it was the fault of the technology or the fault of the producer or the fault of the universe, the stars were aligned against him; this same man has cost the company LITERALLY millions (seven digits, plural) of dollars in revenue due to his callous disregard for company policy and direct order from his superiors, this man who has openly lied about his job performance ("yeah, I did it, everything's complete!") when those he's lied to KNEW he was lying, KNEW the ramifications of his inaction would have a ripple-effect across the nation, and yet, this man kept getting promoted by those same people. At least three people in said man's department either left the company or retired early because of his antics and the lack of judicious response to them.

it was so awful, mr. zippy filed a six page written complaint against the man after the last three week stint he undertook to bail his sorry ass out of trouble. mr. zippy, who not only did the man's work, but his own work the entire time he was away for those three weeks. but no one at the neo-conservative paper wanted to read it. they rather preferred ignoring the problem as though it would go away of its own accord. not unlike their brainchild for the tobacco industry scandal.

this man, finally, was caught surfing porn on his office computer when he reported as having been slaving over the work situation.

"WELL! THAT'S TERRIBLE!" says his Republican bosses. "He's out of here! He's fired!"

So, the moral of the story is:

1. if you have breaking news that will blow the lid off the illegal practices of one of the biggest industries in the US that have contributed to the illness and death, not to mention soaring health care costs, of countless Americans - ignore it.

2. if you have an employee who is purposefully sabotaging everything he touches - ignore it.

3. if said employee costs the company millions and millions of dollars in lost revenue and time due to his neglicence - accept his reasoning that God had transpired against him - promote him.

BUT

if you have an employee who looks at naked boys and girls getting it on on his office computer, WELL..... that's a moral outrage and a crime against humanity that shall not be overlooked!!!!

and GOD FORBID you have a good looking zippy on your staff who dares to wear a tasteful outfit to work that doesn't make her look like a granny or a lost character from Little House on the Prairie.

THE GOOD NEWS IS

the lout is getting the boot tomorrow a.m. mr and mrs zippy are a happy couple.

Friday conversation in the wee early hours of zippy's world...


me: zzzzzzzzzz....zzzzzzzz....zzzzzz....zzzzzz....zzz.... - what are you doing?

him: I put my hand on your butt.

me: have you been watching porn again?

him: no. From Dusk Til Dawn.

me: and now I'm Salma Hayek?

him: yeah.

me: your friends must be really jealous of you.

him: why?

me: not only are you married to Sigourney Weaver, you get to go to the submarine races with Salma Hayek, too.

him: I'm a lucky man.

me: tell me about it, stud.

Tuesday conversation in zippy's world...


me: what was the name of one of the guys hanging w/ Jesus?

her: There were twelve. Peter was one.

me: really? I thought there were only two, one on either side of him. The good thief and the bad thief.

her: Oh. I thought you meant, you know, hanging around with him, not LITERALLY hanging with him.

me: I guess technically they weren't hanging.

her: You're so confusing.

on the road in zippy's world:


near Pueblo, CO...


him: A gun market - do you need any guns?

me: Always. It's my God-given right.

him: Look! A sign without any holes in it!

me: SHOOT IT! HURRY! BEFORE IT MOVES!



in La Junta, CO…

him: the Kerry-Edwards train is here!

me: WOO HOO!

him: not to be confused with CHOO CHOO!

me: WOO HOO!

him: CHOO CHOO!

me: WOO HOO!

him: CHOO CHOO!

me: WOO HOO!

him: CHOO CHOO!

me: WOO HOO!

. . .



at the 'rents...

f-in-law: there was this guy on the tv the other day, talking about how he became a millionaire. he started out being a waiter - the first job he ever had, can you believe that? a waiter to a millionaire.

m-in-law: hey! you were waiter once. where's all your money? … oh, I know (mimes chugging bottle of booze) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA




smoke detector: FIRE! FIRE! WARNING! FIRE! FIRE! WARNING! FIRE! FIRE!

him: (to the rents in another room) don't worry. zippy's just cooking.




me: how old were you during the war?

m-in-law: which war? my whole life one war after another - China, Korea, World War Two. We tied bags of soy beans to our backs so we would always have food in case we were burned out of home and had to run quick. It was our protein and energy. I was so glad for end of war.




driving through Las Animas, CO…

me: mr. zippy thinks he's fat.

m-in-law: he was skinny boy. he no fat.

me: I know that, but he thinks he is.

m-in-law: daughter no eat much. we worry about her, she no eat so much.

me: maybe she's afraid of getting fat.

m-in-law: not healthy. need to eat.

me: maybe she's got other things on her mind.

m-in-law: look at her (points out car window). she fat.

me: I'm getting that way myself.

m-in-law: you don't think she fat?

me: yeah, she's fat alright.

m-in-law: just like granddaughter. she getting fat, too

me: (patting my own belly) I think we better stop before we get there.

m-in-law: that the truth.




heading into Trinidad, CO…

me: I told your dad we were going to get the sex change we've always wanted while we're here.

him: great! keep a look out for Sex Changes This Way sign.

me: you think there's really such a thing?
him: Yeah! It has one arrow pointing left for Males and another arrow pointing right for Females, and they're on the same sign. It's kind of difficult to understand. It's like a butterfly ballot.




near Raton Pass, NM…

me: what the h - e- double hockey sticks was that??

him: hail.




in Santa Fe restaurant…

me: So, you were a good Republican soldier all day?

cousin: Yeah, I guess I was. I lean a little more toward the right usually.

me: How's your shoulder feel?

cousin: Tired. My left hand's a little weak, too.



in a Santa Fe gallery...

me: what's the name of this piece?

him: "Boat."

me: . . .

him: What?

me: You say boat I say clitoris.




leaving Santa Fe…

him: they don't know how to build highways here.

me: no?

him: they're supposed to close two lanes of traffic for no apparent reason.

me: just like Atlanta.

him: exactly.




at s-in-law's home…

me: I can't believe your mother thinks your niece is fat.

him: she does?

me: she's just voluptuous.

him: she is?

me: you didn't notice?

him: guess not.

me: so, if I get Nigella's boobs, would I still have to lose weight?

him: will they make you cook like her, too?